Leon's Bad Day
by Bansheex
Summary: Orignially done for IGN, this is a spoof of Resident Evil 4. It's funny and stupid at the same time.


Residence Nasty 4

OR

Leon's Bad Day

Leon sat down behind the desk, staring across it at the well-dressed man sitting on the other side. "Agent Kennedy, good to finally see you. I wish it was under better circumstances. However, we have a situation... you see, the President"

"Has he been kidnaped by Ninjas? Do you need a bad dude like me to get him back?" Leon asked.

"What?" the well-dressed man asked? "No, it's his daughter, she..."

"His daughter has been kidnaped by ninjas? Do you need me, a bad dude, to get her back?" Leon asked.

The well-dressed man reached across the desk and smacked Leon across the face. "NO!" he yelled, "And besides, you don't qualify as a "bad dude", do you, dye-job?" the director asked.

Leon wiped a single tear away from his left eye. "Well, I did survive Raccoon City." Leon moped.

"Yeah, but so did two girls, one 19 and the other was only NINE!" he shouted. "Now, shut the hell up and listen to me. Two days ago, the Presidents daughter was kidnaped."

"By Ninjas?" Leon asked, hopefully.

The Director just smacked him across the face again. "No, there's no goddamned ninjas. Jesus, what is your fascination with ninjas? You know what, never mind." he finished irritably.

Leon let out a resigned sigh, and hung his head.

"As I was saying, the President's daughter has been kidnaped, Not by ninjas, but by an unknown party. We have intelligence that shows..." The director continued

"Cool,"Leon shouted. "We have intelligence? What's it look like? Is it tasty?"

The Director just sighed, and hung his head. "You know what, Leon, just get your ass to England. Here's a picture of the president's daughter" he said, handing Leon the photo.

"Wow, she looks hot, is she seeing anybody, does she put out on the first date?" Leon asked, in rapid-fire succession.

"Yes she is, no she's not, and if she meets the right guy." The director answered.

Leon turned and strode out the door, a confidant swagger in his step, slamming the door behind him. "Agent Kennedy, that's my closet." The Director yelled.

"Sir, I think I'm lost." Leon yelled from inside the closet. The Director rubbed his eyes. "Damned government cutbacks." he mumbled.

Leon rode in the back of the car, two French police officers sitting in the front.

"So, American, what are you doing all the way out here, huh cowboy?" one officer asked, in a snooty, condescending way.

"I'm here to rescue the President's daughter, but don't tell anyone, it's a super-top secret mission, okay?" Leon replied.

"Who would be crazy enough to kidnap the President's daughter?" the second officer asked.

"I don't know," Leon replied, "I think it was some ninjas. They tried this before, I saw it in a video game." Leon answered.

"Ahh, yes, ninjas. They are quite the problem here in France." the first officer stated.

"Well, here we are,' the second officer said. "You go on ahead...we'll stay here and make sure we don't get a ticket."

Leon exited the small car, and took a few steps away. Looking back, he saw the two officers locked in a passionate embrace, tongues down the others throat.

As Leon headed up the path, he came across a small cabin. Slowly stepping inside, he turned the corner, and found himself staring at the back of a man. "Umm, excuse me, have you seen this girl? Or possibly, any ninjas?" Leon asked the man.

The man slowly turned around. He was skinny, disheveled, and wore a stained t-shirt that read 'Halo 2, bitches'. He looked at Leon with a blank, mindless stare. "LOL, Teh Haxor?" he mumbled.

"Sorry, I can't understand you. What did you say?" Leon asked, feeling very confused.

"OMG, Killtacular! Repost y 133tness?" the man mumbled. Resigning, Leon turned around to leave. He failed to see the man pick up a wifflebat.

The man swung it at Leon, hitting him square in the head. "OMG, Headshot!" the man yelled. Leon, totally unfazed, quickly turned around and kicked him in the head. "Suxor, wall hack!" the not-zombie yelled before dying.

Outside, Leon heard a truck starting up, and the police officers screaming.

Turning to face each other, the two officers looked deeply into each others eyes. "Too late, Renee, I realize that our children are our true treasure." The smaller one said. "But, Jacques, we have no children, we are both men." the other responded. "Oh yeah. Well...see you in hell then." Jacques said.

Leon ran to where he left the car, and saw it had been pushed over the edge of the cliff, and landed on a boulder marked with a handicapped parking sign. He also saw that there was a parking ticket under a windshield wiper.

"Wow...that sucks. Parking tickets are expensive." he then turned and headed for the village.

Walking down the path, Leon came across a sign made of several human skulls and blood-stained branches.

"Cool, just like in the Blair Witch movie. Those poor kids, they died out in the woods." he muttered to himself. Shuffling through his jacket, Leon came across his radio. "Kickass. Maybe Sterns on!" He exclaimed, thumbing the power button.

"Hello, Agent Kennedy" a voice squeaked, from the radio.

"Jesus, is that you? Oh, I am so sorry about the way I've lived my life. If you don't kill me, I swear I will stop touching myself, and stop beating up old ladies, and I'll even stop kicking kittens for fun." Leon pleaded with the unseen voice.

"No, Leon, it's me, HoneyHam. On your radio." She responded.

"Oh, HoneyHam. How are you? Did that rash clear up? Like I said, I am really really sorry about that. I was told that Mayonase makes and excellent lube. I didn't even realize you were allergic. Oh, and sorry about that...other thing." Leon said, apologetically.

"Oh, you mean the whole 'Herpes' thing, right? Well, Leon, that's not the kind of thing you just forgive someone for. But, I guess, since we have to work together, I'll let it slide." She answered.

"Sweet. So, I'm heading to the village. The cops are gone, I killed a guy, and there's a dog trapped in a bear trap up ahead. Let me go help him. I'll be in touch later. Signing off." Leon disconnected from the transmission.

Stepping up to the trapped animal, Leon pulled apart the jaws of the bear trap. "Dumb dog, I can't beleive any animal would be dumb enough to fall for that. " he mumbled. The dog let out an appreciative yelp, and ran off. Heading back to the trail, Leon accidentaly stepped in the bear trap he had just released the dog from.

"OWWWW! Damnit. Those clever bastards. It would take a genuis to figure out how to get out of this." He said. "Well, only one option, I guess." Leon bent over, and chewed his left leg off, right below the kneecap. Hobbling on up the trail, he eventually came to the entrance of the village. Pulling out his binoculars, he looked into the heart of the village. There, he saw one of the officers sitting in a pot of boiling water, surrounded by floating vegetables.

"My God," Leon gasped, "They're cooking him at too high a heat. His skin's going to be all tough and chewy. I'll just go show them how it's done properly.' He said, and began hobbling his way down to the village.

As Leon hopped towards the village, he passed a cabin on the side of the trail. Hobbling his way inside, he found an old typewriter, a small treasure chest, and a small green plant. Picking up the plant, he received a call from HoneyHam

"An odd, green plant in a cabin on the side of a trail crawling with monsters and traps. Wow, you'd have to be an idiot to do something as unbeleiveably stupid as eating that green herb." she said.

"Sorry, what? I was too busy eating that green herb. Oh, hey, look at that! My leg grew back!" Leon exclaimed.

And, for no reason, a man with a T-shirt that read "Capcom Executive" stepped into the cabin.  
"Hey, don't question it, we can always call in Carlos." He said, before stepping out of the cabin.

Walking out of the cabin, Leon headed toward the village. As he walked into the village, he saw several Ganados milling around a TV connected to an old Nintendo. He could hear them screaming about how great Zelda is, and how hot Lara Croft is.

Leon snuck over to where the officer was sitting in a giant pot of water, with vegetables floating around him.  
"Hold on, gay French officer. I'll save you from being cooked and devoured by those...horrible things." Leon said.

"Save me? You fool, I'm taking my daily vegetable bath. You are doing nothing but pissing me off!" the French man yelled.

Hearing the yelling, the fanboy-ganados turn around, and begin running toward Leon. One throws a dodgeball right into Leon's face doing absolutely nothing.

Dodging into a building, Leon slammed a chair in front of the door. A heard of Ganados slammed into the door, and began pounding on the door. 

"ummm, nobody's home." Leon yelled through the door. Suddenly, the Ganados walked away, and began milling about the village. "Soooo stupid. Even stupider than me." Leon said to himself. "Wait a minute..."

Climbing the stairs to the second floor, Leon saw a shotgun mounted on the wall. Grabbing it off the hooks, he pumped the shotgun once, putting a fresh round in the chamber. "Groovy." Leon said. Before heading back out, he grabbed a paper bag, and drew an angry face on the front. Slipping it over his head, Leon walked out the door, and walked amongst the Ganados, who now considered him one of the group. 

Leon wandered around the village, sneaking up on the back of any lone Ganados, hitting them in the back of the head, killing them. After picking off about half of the group, the bells at the church began ringing.

The Ganados looked up, and began mumbling "LAN party", then shuffled into the church, leaving Leon alone. 

"Ummm, okay? Where's everybody going? Man, it's just like High School all over again." Leon said to himself. "Oh well, guess I'll go through this gate." he said, heading through an iron gate, and onto another trail.

Stepping out onto a farmhouse, Leon immideately assessed the situation. "Ooooh, a moo-cow!" he yelled, and ran over to one of the several cows milling about. "Yes, aren't you a nice little moo-cow?" Leon asked, totally ignoring the small army of Ganados slowly approacing him. "Say, Mr. Moo-cow, I'm thirsty, could you help me with a drink?" Leon asked the ignorant bovine. The cow just looked at him.

"I'm not hearing a no." Leon said, and laid down on his back. He inched his way closer and closer to the udder of the cow. Still, he didn't notice the growing number of not-zombies closing on him. He clamped his lips around the swollen nipple of the hefty barnyard beast, and began sucking for all he was worth. As the milk overflowed and ran freely down his face, Leon let out a joyful "Yeeehaw! I always gets my fresh milk, you know that!" and resumed suckling on the animal.

Upon seeing this, the Ganados stopped dead in their tracks. The ones carrying weapons threw them to the ground. "Man, Fk this! That is the craziest white boy I have ever seen!" one of them said, and they all shuffled off, as far away as possible.

Several hours later, after sucking all the milk out of 4 cows, 2 goats, 3 pigs and one very confused male dog, Leon had had his fill, and wiped the excess milk away from his face with the back of his hand.

"Well, now that I've had my fill, I guess it's back to getting the president's daughter back from those damn Ninjas." He though outloud, heading down another trail.

"Hello, what's this?" Leon asked, stepping up to a sign on the side of the trail. Written on ths sign was:

"Look out, there are booby traps ahead. I'm warning you...you Leon S. Kennedy. There are three guys above you about to push something down on top of you. You, Leon S. Kennedy."

Leon rubbed his chin, "Hmmmm, I wonder what this sign means?" He asked himself, then continued walking down the trail. Suddenly, three Ganados above him pushed a giant styrofoam ball down onto the trail, which began chasing Leon, in an attempt to crush the life from him. Dodging off to one side of the trail, Leon quickly turned around and fired three rapid shots, hitting all of them between the eyes. "Well, I wasn't expecting that!" He exclaimed.


End file.
